a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor

Hey there! Thanks for stopping by and reading my post.

I am as normal as you are, or your colleague is or anyone else you know. Just that my muscles, at times, give up!

I grew up reading books, participating in debates and elocution and painting wonderful scenery. I love dancing – learnt Bharatanatyam for eight long years and later swayed to some moves of salsa and belly dancing.  I have completed my advanced levels in Tanjore painting and have even sold a beautiful goddess draped in gold.  I love listening to music and watching movies. I have wonderful friends – and time and distance are no barriers in keeping contact with the close ones.

I was a good student all along. I finished my ISC with a 95% in English but went on to do my Engineering (sigh! like most science students in Bangalore do). I began my career in the beautiful campus of Infosys, Mysore. I moved to Bangalore a couple of years later and then decided to bell the CAT. I got into a decent B-school and joined a top MNC. With a handful of client delights and an awesome team at work, I never had much to ask for.

I married the guy I dated, though we are at loggerheads with each other most of the time, we do genuinely care a lot for each other. I wouldn’t say love each other – for love has no unique definition and is a feeling which differs from person to person. The wedding wasn’t easy – a typical two states marriage (Chetan Bhagat wasn’t the only one who went through that ordeal). The wedding eventually happened after a lot of K-serial drama. And after that I was quite content with my office-home-eat-sleep-office-weekend-repeat routine except for a back-pain once in a while.

The pain got really bad at times, especially when I was stuck at never-ending Bangalore traffic or had a really long day at work. Catching up on sleep, Volini and a hot water bag acted as a catalyst on bringing me back to my feet. I did check with doctor’s when it was bad – but then I eventually got habituated to early morning stiffness.

The pain kept fluctuating like a sine curve. The bad days were really horrible. Sometimes the click of a mouse button sent a shooting pain up my arms till my neck. Well, the pain in the neck can be excruciatingly painful – and hence the proverb ‘pain in the neck’. This was never a perennial problem but always surfaced just before the day I had to attend a function, prepare for that urgent client deadline or had to immediately check items on my to-do list. And it always got procrastinated.

And then disaster struck. One day I could not lift my neck and look at the monitor. I just could not lift my neck. It was as though the instructions sent to the brain to lift my neck got frozen mid-way and the muscles refused to budge. The doctor suggested a week’s rest – avoid travelling and avoid a computer and avoid a mobile phone. What?! The last two were my lifelines.

A week and a MRI, vitamin B and vitamin D deficiency test later, I was suggested two more weeks off. I am sure all office goers understand what this equates to – but I have an awesome manager who asked me to recover and took care of the multiple projects I was handling (my manager has not bribed me to say this – it is a heartfelt and genuine note of gratitude). More blood tests. Another two weeks off. Each doctor I visited (16 so far) – second or third or fourth opinion told me to forget work when I asked for clarity on my joining date and was ready to give me a medical certificate without me even asking for it. But there was no sign of recovery from that monstrous pain.

I started dropping bowls in the kitchen, I couldn’t lift my own laptop. I couldn’t open the keys to the door of my parental home – I have been twisting it since 2002 and it stubbornly refused to let me in on an eventful day. I couldn’t open the slide doors of an elevator – had to wait for a kind soul to enter the lift to let me out. I couldn’t eat my dinner with my hands, my own hands. I stared at those five fingers for a long time, but they refused to touch each other. Even my fingers betrayed me and did not pay heed to what I had to say. I was stuck in the four walls of a rented apartment without a television, waiting for some doctor to brandish a wand and say ‘Abracadabra!’. This happened not so long ago, in June 2017, 6 weeks ago, to be precise.

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After a month of physiotherapy sessions – I feel much better, the pain has come down a little bit, but at the cost of my energy levels. Fatigue has taken out its cruelest whiplash and attacked me. A 15 minute walk makes me lie down and take rest for half an hour. The doctor’s now suggest I stop the only treatment which gave me some relief – till Fate turns its evil eye away from me. I have had bouts of fainting sessions where I lay in a semi-conscious state, unable to clearly articulate my need for a sip of drinking water.

Dear reader, I implore to you to read those pain signals. We take our health for granted, when we shouldn’t. I do not want anybody to undergo this pain – the wizards and witches would know how it would feel to have the Cruciatus and the Imperius Curse being hurled upon you at the same time by ten death-eater’s.

No one can comprehend the pain I undergo. Its not easy for an active person to stay confined in the walls of the house. I miss work. I miss chai (tea) shop anna who always greeted me with a smile. I miss listening to the Uber driver ranting about the changed incentive scheme. I miss the random conversations with my colleagues. I miss the freedom to travel alone to catch up with my friends. I wish I did not have to think thrice before swiping my credit card when I crave for ice-cream.

Most people shrug it away as a common back pain – they know not what a last stage of myofascial pain syndrome is. Some doctors say its an early stage of Fibromyalgia while others refute. Many people think I am killing time at home – to hell with you – I am aware of my liabilities and am more eager to get back to work than you can imagine. Many people think I am not focused enough on getting better – perhaps you would like to trade lives for a day? And there are others who comment that the pain is in the head – I wish you could slice my skull open to confirm that it is not – and apply Feviquick to set the cranium back in place.

I don’t need your sympathies, those who know me personally can vouch that I am way too strong a girl for sympathies. All I expect is that you put yourself in my shoes – and understand. I only wish you understand! Just be there, and understand.

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It’s been more than two months. Lightning strikes followed by the rumbling sound of thunder. I stand alone in the ice cold winds, my tears drowned by the pelting rain, waiting for the storm to pass. I look far into the clouded horizon, my eyes searching for the glint of golden rays of sunshine amidst the silver lining of the grey clouds. I don’t need an umbrella to shield myself, I am a strong girl. All I want is that you understand.

Things have not changed much in the past two months. The pain now feels like a cos curve (same difference). I have put down my papers and the job insecurity keeps nagging the back of my mind. I have no visibility on when I will be back to my old self.

Such incidents in life teach you the value of gratitude. Thank God for my family and friends! Thank you God for introducing me to this beautiful world of blogging. I find solace in wool-gathering.

Thank you Baba (Bengali for father). I know you keep asking me why I have stopped praying – but my faith is shaken. I know tumi toh acho, amar kichu hobena (you are around, nothing can happen to me).” Ma (Mother), a big hug to you. I know I can be very rude when I am hangry (hungry/angry), but you also know that I am your baby! Nothing has changed over the years, I have to tell you about everything under the sun, about things I do, and the people I meet, about the movie I watched without you, and now the comments in my blog. I love you more than anybody else in the world.

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Baby Me! Daddy’s Little Princess and Mommy’s World
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You are the apple of my eye

Man of the house, (alluding to my husband -Twinkle Khanna style), you rock! I know you hate being my punchbag and you got bullied into this obnoxious debacle for no fault of yours. I know there have been more troughs than crests in the last few months but I think we’ve managed to sail along pretty well, and I am sure the best is yet to come. Here’s a shout out to you – thanks for all the support. I know you care. Love you to the moon and back. I mean it. Tight hug. 

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Mr Husband. That best friend who you feel like strangling at times, well not literally!

Thank you! To all my friends and family who have supported me through this ordeal and helped in various capacities. Don’t know what I would have done without you guys! Muah!

Back to the realms of Blogosphere! I think I am smitten by the labyrinth of words 🙂 I keep staring at that stats bar chart every now and then – waiting for that tiny orange bar to climb to greater heights! I am content with 1.5k views, 50 likes, 20 followers (19 on WordPress and 1 on e-mail) and 12 (now 13) posts in 2 weeks. I am not sure if these are numbers to be proud of – but they definitely bring a smile on my face! I can spend only two hours in front of the laptop at a stretch and must take frequent breaks – learnt it the hard way! I cannot write on the bad days when the pain gets the better of me. But I think I liked the way a fellow blogger put it – this is not a running race! And I have set my own pace! Thank YOU for reading, being an awesome critic, commenting and sharing! Honestly, it makes my day!

“The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.”

– Robert Frost, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14 thoughts on “a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor

  1. Yo.. Your writing is really amazing! … You should write a novel please… Start small.. It should be a piece of cake for you..
    I’m sure publishers will pounce on you – watch your back! (unintentional mean joke)
    Seriously though.. Novel is the way to go.. Set yourself some deadlines and come up with one. That’s the hard part for most – but it comes naturally to you. So giddy up, keep it up and keep these coming too! Best of luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks buddy! An idea as small as a mustard seed can do wonders – and this comment is sparking some ideas! 🙂 Be around please, may be you can try and save me from the publishers with some WWF stunts! Thanks for the encouragement! Yo!

      Like

  2. Oh my dear friend, how this post has touched me. I suffer from bipolar type 2, depression and, although I could never compare it to your extremely painful illness, they go hand to hand in being “invisible” and “in our head” according to some very ignorant people. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve been told to “stop my medication”, “just be strong”, “snap out of it already” “You can do it if you try really hard” and the traditional “If you have enough good will you can cure yourself”. They are dumb and ignorant sentences from people who have no clue what pain is, physical or psychological. They don’t know suffering like we do. If they did, they would be kind and generous and supportive. But we do believe each other, don’t we? I know you’re in pain. You would never fake anything like that. And I’m in pain too, and would stop it right now if it was in my power. But it isn’t. I’m so glad to have met you.
    Cheila
    pinkfordays.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cheila, that is such a touching message. Yes I understand and that it is very very painful, just that the symptoms they show are different. I understand how it is to fight the pain every now and then, in every little thing you do – in the small adaptions you make to daily life to live with this. I genuinely wish you get better soon, and can give your best to all your endeavors. Lovely meeting you too! Stay well and stay happy!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey Ramyani, I understand it must be very difficult dealing with the situation but have faith. This too shall pass. Meanwhile, it seems that you enjoy writing, and you write well. So keep writing. It really helps to sort out and purge our thoughts that sometimes create havoc in the mind, Enjoy the creative expression and see the numbers grow organically. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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